Anecdote #39

In society from time immemorial, women are traditionally ‘supposed’ to be confined to the domestic sphere. They are ‘allowed’ to work until they bear children. This is not all, at times their prime purpose in life is considered to be child bearing! When a women is already facing such challenges to get where she is professionally and her child says “Mom don’t go to work,” you can only imagine the dilemma she is faced with.I am one of those culprits too who still says “Mom don’t go” when my mother has to go out of town or for a meeting. Fortunately my family never put the traditional restrictions of patriarchy on my mother but nonetheless she works in the ruthless corporate sector and when she started out 27 years ago it had fewer concerns for the female gender in comparison to present conditions. Currently the working environment is still unconducive for women in the private sector. The mindsets of people have not changed either. Financial independence is not a priority for Indian Aunties. They retort by saying that girls should marry rich husbands. What guarantee do they give that those rich husbands will actually be generous? Most of all rich husbands are not equivalent to good husbands. Even if a girl gets married into a prosperous family and is provided with a decent standard of living, if the husband is abusive, no amount of money will make up for the torture. To top that if she is only restricted to the domestic sphere, she would not have the option to escape the abuse and go on with her life.The picture is not vey rosy on the other side either. Though the working women is financially empowered her family and children have too many expectations out of her. How many times have we guilt tripped our working moms into being there for a performance at school, for competitions or for tests. Yes it is their duty to be there for us and prepare us for the challenges that we will face but it is unfair to expect them to be omnipresent. Imagine how exhausting it is! Imagine the negative impact it has on their health, both physical and mental. The great Indian family too has expectations from their daughter-in-law. I remember my mother coming home from office for the karva chauth pooja, reciting the traditional tale and leading the pooja. Then she would help my grandmother prepare tea for the ladies of the entire neighbourhood and quickly have a quick slurp and rush back to work. This is one instance out of an innumerable amount of incidents.Children of working moms pine for them at times which is understandable. Beyond a point it is unfair. It is unfair to expect our mothers to take care of all our needs at all times. We cannot expect them to be at their best behaviour at all times. Cut them some slack! Allow them to be a little irritable, they deal with harsh bosses and clients. Learn to give them some space. I know it’s hard especially when the time you spend with them is not the same in comparison to stay at home moms but think of the things you are vicariously learning from them. You are learning to be hard working, independent and open minded. In no way am I trying to put down housewives. Their work is plenty. Managing a home is unfortunately an unpaid job. The point I am trying to put forth is that in modern India a working mother still has no absolute respite from domestic duties. They are forced to manage both which is extremely taxing.It is therefore crucial for us to recognise the sacrifices being made by our iron willed mothers and thanking them for doing so much. The most basic thing we can do is, stop saying that mom don’t go to work. Stop making her feel guilty for sustaining her self and for supporting the family. Send her off with a smile and assure her that you will be fine. Give her confidence because at the end of the day you are her biggest source of strength and determination.

Anecdote #38

A Day at the Malhotra’s

It was a Sunday morning and Samil was ready for the gym. Going to the gym/Sirifort with his daughter on Sunday had become a weekly regime. Samil was a regular at the gym and could be seen exercising daily where as his daughter was laid back, with the Sunday routine being her only motivation. It was 10 AM and Samil rang his daughter, Ananya to get ready. He hoped she was up by now. She picked up the phone at the last possible ring which was a sigh of relief for the father because unlike him she was not a morning person. “How much time will you take beta?” he asked almost in a habitual manner. “10 minutes,” she said which translated into half an hour. Samil who was returning from his parents’ place parked his Prado below the flat. Everyone at home knew he had arrived before he could even ring the bell. The reason was the revving of his Prado’s engine. To top that the horn of his car was recognisable from Ananya’s paternal grandparents’ home which was at a 100 yard’s distance. Ananya was gulping down a glass of milk when he rang the bell so that she could pretend that she was ready before he entered. She quickly exited the kitchen and opened the door. “Hi Papa!” she said in her chirpiest voice hoping to implant her positivity into him. Samil could see his wife, Praveen near the dining table toying with her medicine tray from the door. “Hi Praveen!” he said in an uplifting tone hoping to instil her with positivity. The father and daughter were unaware of how they used similar tactics. “Hi Samil, we are getting the sofas redone” Praveen announced. Over the years she had become the boss of the house not because she was dominant as a person but because the other two realised that Praveen was always right. That is why both of them ran all their major decisions past her every time. She was the voice of reason in the Malhotra household. Samil replied with a very nice and his signature smile. This smile could be described as an arch with his lips jutting out. This would turn into an expression of disappointment as soon as he raised his eyebrows. His daughter who found this play of facial muscles hilarious didn’t realise that very often she mirrored those expressions.Ananya and Praveen expected a drill of questions from Samil such as Where did you buy the fabric from? Where did the Sofa guy come from? which naturally took it’s course and Praveen began answering them. Ananya’s father and grandparents had a habit of asking too many questions which perturbed her at times and that is why she had become the complete opposite and  had very few queries. When her parents would go out for official trips she wouldn’t ask them where they were staying, what time their flight was so if anyone from the family asked her these questions she would always remain blank. As her parents discussed the business of sofas she wondered how they were finding this discussion so engaging. At that moment her parents’ conversation was boring the life out of her so she decided to change the topic. “Have the both of you read my latest piece on the blog?” she blurted out of nowhere but it really seemed to ignite the fire in the parental Malhotras. “Ananya we are bored of this sad stuff,” “write some happy thing from college” and “Such pieces reflect the state of your mind” were some responses she had elicited. “ Alright, alright I will write something different this time!” she retorted and I did :).

Anecdote #37

Making mistakes is one thing but repeating them consistently is a bit of a problem. How do you stop yourself from taking the wrong step. Let me rephrase that, how do you refrain yourself from getting into something that you are aware is harmful. This can get really tough especially if these are habits or people that you have to deal with on a daily basis. At times these people turn into a bad habit. You still go back to them because there is this odd connection but at the same time you drive yourself guilty over spending time with them. Gradually they become toxic for you or in other words you make them toxic for yourself. In other words if you keep such people at a distance they may not prove to be such a bad influence but the fact that we fail to form boundaries hurts us in a lot of ways. It is so hard to chose who is and who is not right for you. Then you have to make the decision of whether they can be close friends or not. If you decide to be cautious and keep everyone at bay, loneliness engulfs you. So what to do and what not to do. Do you make yourself stronger and learn to be your own company or do you surround yourself with people that suck your energy with their hollow conversations. Honestly it is very hard to make the right decision, find the right people and it's even harder to deal with regrettable choices. There is no standard solution because such are nuanced with complexities. The problem is that we think too much and amplify such situations manifold in our minds. In a way we are our own culprits so it is unfair to expect other people to come into our lives as saviours. Perhaps if we start realising that the onus is on us our minds will stop backtracking into this vicious cycle.
I say let's keep living, let destiny take it's course and let's hope we learn ourselves better in the coming time.